I hate to break it to you, but you’ve been Pretty Little Lied to. Real life high school is drastically different from the facade presented in teen TV. According to shows such as Riverdale and Gossip Girl, the average teenager sashays through their high school hallways to the beat of H&M background music while everyone turns around in slow motion to watch. As if they would actually have time to even do that during the five-minute passing period. This total sham of adolescent life can be broken down into 4 major lies:

1. Cliques

Having procrastinated writing the next CW hit, Hollywood scriptwriters resort to using overused cliques as a Hail Mary pass into the hearts of 13-year-old girls around the world. These stereotypes include nerds who ask for treasury bonds for Christmas, jocks who are on a never-ending search for lunch money (Why is no one concerned about their economic welfare? If they need money that bad, just help them you sadistic pigs) and maniacal cheerleaders that thrive off of humiliation and the grapefruit diet.

Cliques, while existent, are not concrete and many don’t fit into any one category. Nerds can have teardrop tattoos,  Jocks can be passionate about Crate & Barrel, and cheerleaders can use 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. This is truly the future that liberals want.

2. Appearance

According to every teen show, the social hierarchy is run by fashion and fascism. Fortunately, taking off your glasses = instant popularity. If that tactic worked I would have gotten Lasik years ago. Yet despite having glasses, I have never been shoved in a locker. Mostly because we don’t have any and partly because I wouldn’t fit into one. The only negative aspect of our school not fitting these stereotypes is that there is less Dior and Chanel and more full zip up hoodies of the Creeper from Minecraft.

Unlike Archie Andrews leads us to believe, no teenager has an eight-pack and biceps in their neck. Suna Oh, a GP junior, warns incoming freshmen to set their expectations low. “I know everyone wants Dylan O’Brien, but you’re just gonna get Matthew from Statistics or Joe in English with bad pit stains and cystic acne.”

3. Time Management

Despite the fact that some characters are praised for their good grades, they are almost never shown doing homework and are mysteriously gifted just enough time for a murder mystery or a werewolf transformation. Avid Pretty Little Liars viewer Katie Blair acknowledges the irrationality of teen TV show plotlines. “I’m taking three AP classes. Who has time to be blackmailed with a synthesis paper due?”

‘A’ would be the least of Aria Montgomery’s worries if she had Mr. Juhl on her ass (now that I think of it she does have an English teacher on her ass, but in a completely different way).

4. Romance

Teen drama romance is like a theatre interest meeting: it’s overwhelming, overly passionate, and there’s a lot of screaming. Yet to my knowledge, not a single fist fight at our school has been the result of a vampire-werewolf love triangle. Gage Wakeley, a mortal GP student, pitches in on the controversial subject. “The lack of interracial couples at our school is absolutely appalling. The fact that not a single vampire has courted one of the abundant non-vampire students is disgraceful to the reputation and values that GP holds so dear: community.”

Conclusion

Just a little word to the wise, don’t rely on Freeform for the truth about the high school experience. In fact, don’t trust anything that casts Bella Thorne as a lead. But hey, at least there is one thing that Glacier Peak students and teens in tv shows will always have in common: TSA Precheck.