Homecoming is honored through a week-long celebration of school spirit and minor cultural appropriation. The halls are filled with bucket hats and fanny packs as the Kirkland brand cast of Riverdale (AKA ASB kids) compete for the title of worst dressed.

Gage Wakeley, senior and self-proclaimed non-conformist, has not participated in a single spirit day. That is, until now.

During A Lunch on Monday, October 15 an anonymous classmate (Me. It was me.) asked Wakeley if he was willing to go all out for Hawaiian day if provided with an outfit. Much to everyone’s surprise, he agreed to diverge from his uniform of sweatpants and long sleeve shirts that he orders from Amazon.

To better understand the perplexity of the situation we must dive into Wakeley’s infamous reputation. “Gage looks and acts like one of those evil guys from cartoons that tie women to train tracks,” Katie Blair, a friend of Gage, said. “I think he only keeps me around to use me as a human shield.”

After discussing with Blair, many others gained the courage to chime in. “When we were in AP Environmental Science last year he would come for everyone in the Canvas discussion chats and he got everyone to hate him for a solid week. But he’s really sweet,” Torie Wold said. Crystin Clouser, a friend of Wakeley’s for 4 years, also decided to come forward. “I had a dream that Gage bullied me and then I woke up and went to school and he bullied me. I guess dreams really do come true.”

Overall, the general consensus aligned with Blair’s statement: “Pros: eyebrows. Cons: personality.”

While Wakeley’s general aura of negativity is present in nearly all aspects of his life, it shines the brightest during spirit week. “ASB kids are probably the fakest people and school spirit week fully show their fakeness,” Wakeley said. “They are already wearing a costume every day, now they’re just more obvious about it. It truly segregates the haves and the have-nots, dividing our school rather than uniting it.”

Nevertheless, $26 dollars and one money lecture from my mom later, I emerged from Spirit Halloween with all the Hawaiian day essentials. In my stubby hands, I held a hula skirt, a hair clip, a flower bra, and the fate of Wakeley.

The minute Wakeley tightened the grass skirt around his nonexistent waist in first period, he felt liberated. “I’m thriving,” Wakeley said. “Can I wear this every day?” Wakeley received attention from students and teachers alike and was told by Mr. Tompkins that the flower in his hair brought a light to his face.

But the honeymoon stage was short-lived, as soon that attention was unwanted. “Walking through the halls I noticed that people would look at my chest, then my face. My eyes are up here!” Yet, the most scarring incident occurred during lunch. “I was standing in the lunch line when this complete stranger made transgender jokes and grabbed my hula bra. Twice. Just because I was wearing a bra doesn’t mean I was asking for it.”

Recently in Mr. Blair’s AP US Government class, Wakeley openly played the devil’s advocate in regards to the Kavanaugh hearing. “He said things like ‘How do we know Ford is telling the truth?’ and kept saying ‘allegedly'” Katie Blair said. Now his friends are beginning to suspect that because of this incident his mindset has shifted.

“Oh I get it now,” Wakeley said. It truly is the Gage of Enlightenment.

Overall, Wakeley was grateful for the experience. “The love of friends can persuade you to do something, even if you really don’t like it. Just have fun with it.” When asked if he was going to participate again, Wakeley replied “Oh hell no. I dressed up one time and got my boobs grabbed. Never again.” I guess spirit week isn’t for everybody.